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Below you'll find samples of writing from our many talented students! We're very proud of our students and the progress they've made with us. Check back each month as we spotlight another amazing writer!
December 2022
Raina Gao, Grade 8 - Scholastic Writing Competition Fall 2022
“A Day Too Late” Excerpt
Jasper slowly walked around the shops lining the town square. He bought his favorite cinnamon rolls with the little roll of cash he had left and sat on a nearby bench to reread the letter. It was already ripped, and he had read it multiple times in the last two days. However, he hoped a different message might appear if he reread it enough. Slowly, he opened the envelope and carefully took out the folded paper inside. On the top left, it read, “Dear Jasper Montale, important status update, from the international control board of RST.” His mouth formed a thin line as he continued reading the familiar words, “As discussed previously, RST has ruled a mandatory attendance at BASE R. You, along with dozens more, have been selected as one of the officers.” Jasper scoffed. Officer was just code for spy, but somehow RST did not believe the people they sent to spy should be called spies. And of course, the letter had to end with a threat, “This is mandatory. Your attendance will be forced if you do not cooperate.” Jasper sighed and looked up at the falling snow. His wishes for the message to change did not come true.
Advisor's Comments:
This is an excerpt from an exciting short fiction Raina wrote and submitted to the Scholastic Writing Contest. It showcases great attention to detail as well as creative characterization. Jasper's character is made clear through his interaction with the setting in a show-not-tell fashion. Raina has made the heart of the conflict clear in a quick, effective manner that grips the reader immediately. We are left with plenty of questions about what is coming next. An excellent entry!
November 2022
Brandon Huang, Grade 7 - Reading/Writing One-on-One Tutoring Fall 2022
“Mexican Dude Saves People from City Destruction” Excerpt
SuperBarrio defends the people of Mexico City but rather than fight crime and corruption with violence, he uses his image to organize labor rallies and protests, and file petitions. The character was created in 1987 by Asamblea de Barrios, an organization fighting for affordable housing after the 1985 Mexico City earthquake, which left thousands homeless. He began with stopping the evictions of families who paid rent. In 1996 Superbarrio declared himself a candidate for the 1996 United States Presidential Election and held mock campaign rallies in the United States and Mexico. He is a defender and crime fighter of Mexico.
Advisor's Comments:
This excerpt from a journalism assignment showcases Brandon's attention to detail. He created a catchy title and followed up with a clear, direct explanation of the situation. He was quick and succinct in explaining all the important Wh- questions in a newspaper assignment. Brandon has a talent for nonfiction work and for incorporating some humor into otherwise serious topics. With a little more practice, he could find himself writing real news reports in the future.
October 2022
Chloe Hu, Grade 3 - Reading/Writing Grade 3/4 Fall 2022
Ecosystems Excerpt
Ecosystems can be split into two groups. The two groups are terrestrial and aquatic. These two groups are split into even smaller groups. The groups are abiotic and biotic. Plants and animals are living things, so they are in the biotic section. Air, soil, and water aren’t living things so they are abiotic things in the ecosystem.
Biotic things, like plants and animals, can be split into even specific groups. Plants like trees and grass use sunlight to produce their own energy. They’re called producers.
Then there are primary consumers. They are animals like deer. They are only vegetarians. They only eat plants.
Then comes the secondary consumers. They eat primary consumers. Some of them are even omnivores! For example bears eat meat and fruit.
Then, there are decomposers. They decompose and turn the trash to nutrients. Then the cycle goes again!
Advisor's Comments:
Chloe has shown creativity and an impressive grasp of complicated vocabulary in this text. She took a simple assignment and went above and beyond to demonstrate her skill. These are complicated sentence structures and advanced vocabulary words for her age. Chloe is well on her way to writing scientific research papers.
September 2022
Monica Chen, Grade 6 - Reading and Writing Grades 5/6 Summer 2022
Poetry
"Popsicle Poem"
Advisor's Comments:
This poem shows an innate knack for the flow of words. Monica has taken a normal part of her life and beautified it in art. The additional creativity of the shape of the poem and the colors to represent its subject is a delightful addition. Monica shows great skill as a 5th grader for handling the written word. She has a future of creative work ahead of her!
August 2022
Richard Shi, Grade 9 High School R&W Summer 2022
Investigative Writing Assignment Excerpt
Additionally, Camels also have made adaptations to help it survive. Camels have been around for millions of years, and way back then they were already living in harsh conditions. Through all these years, they kept evolving until they became the animals that they are. During this time, they adapted to the environment, and have made changes both physically and behaviorally. This includes their hump, living in pacts, long fur, running in different directions when there is danger, eat meat when no plants were around, and much more. According to nationalgeographic.com, The environment the humped herbivore foraged over was quite a bit different than those of Ellesmere Island today. Around 3.4 million years ago, the global climate was about 35 degrees Fahrenheit warmer than at present, yet in these harsh climates these humped animals were still able to survive. The first camelids evolved in North America about 45 million years ago, and the herbivores proliferated into a variety of forms and sizes. By about 12,000 years ago, though, the last of North America’s camels were wiped out in the continent’s megafaunal extinction, leaving only two lineages present elsewhere in the world – the dromedary and Bactrian camels of Africa and Asia, and the llamas, alpacas, guanacos, and vicuñas of South America. The remaining species all survived because they made adaptations that made surviving in the harsh climate easier. From the above we can clearly see that adaptation has clearly help camels survive in the harsh desert. Without the occurrence of the catastrophe and millennia of evolution, camel would never have adapted and survived so well in the present world right now. This just adds to the number of tricks camels has to survive in the desert.
Advisor's Comments:
This is a very detailed research paper. Richard has given very clear information in a way that flows cohesively and logically. It is not always easy for students to take large amounts of complicated information and format them effectively. Richard has done this with great skill. He has balanced facts with analysis and organized it incredibly well. This is an incredible talent that makes dense, STEM information available to a wide audience. Richard has done great work here.
June 2022
Kyler Min, Grade 6 R&W Spring 2022 - Descriptive Writing Assignment
The water was so clear that I could see every detail at the bottom of the pond. There lay some algae, alone with a few rocks that my naughty baby brother had thrown in. Sitting next to the rocks were two water lily pots. The shoots were just waking up from hibernation. Yawning and stretching, some of them even made their way to the surface and were about to put up their little leafy umbrellas. A floating solar fountain was spraying water merrily, keeping the fish aerated. Up and down, left and right, a school of mosquitofish was playing hide and seek, like a group of noisy children. Above them, a comet fish floated in the clear water, like a dragon hovering in the sky, watching over the children. A comet fish was only 3 inches long, but in my tiny little pond, it was such a gigantic creature! This is a peaceful nice little corner in the backyard to sit down, grab a snack, and read a book.
Advisor's Comments:
This is an amazing example of descriptive writing, especially for someone so young. The use of personification in particular is very good, allowing the author to imbue their description with meaning without directly stating what that meaning is. The description is so rich that not only can we clearly picture the pond at which the writer sat, but we enjoy following the writer through the description despite the lack of any action. The above piece is a perfect example of how quality prose can make writing a joy to read, almost irrespective of the content.
May 2022
12th Grader, McLean High School – Virginia Tech Application Essay
This past spring, I coached 7th-8th grade recreational volleyball. At first, I stumbled over my words and often looked at my assistant coaches for help. I was disappointed by my inability to meet my responsibilities. But as I persevered, I found myself becoming comfortable in my position. I learned to coordinate emails with parents and directors. I directed warm ups, cheered on the team, and gave advice. The team got 4th place, and I was ecstatic that they had improved, despite a shorter season than normal. My confidence grew tremendously as the season went on, and I was able to use my leadership skills to the fullest. It was rewarding to see the players improve, gain confidence, and make friends.
Advisor's Comments:
In the previous entry, we talked about the importance of "economy of language," or being able to present information and develop a theme as concisely as possible. This is something that every student deals with when writing their college essays, but it's particularly true of the supplemental essays that some schools assign in addition to the Common App main essay, which tend to be shorter. In this case, we have a student responding to one of Virginia Tech's supplemental prompts. Applicants are required to write an essay explaining a time they "displayed leadership" in 120 words or less. The above essay comes in at 120 words exactly, and you can see how short this is. The student here does a great job of establishing the background of this activity, outlining its specifics, and showing growth in a very short amount of time. This essay also embraces an important principle of college application essays: it is much more important as an applicant to show the willingness and potential for growth than it is to show mastery. Colleges expect to throw students into the most demanding academic environment of their lives and see them meet these challenges and grow. Showing that the student is capable of meeting this challenge is massively important in persuading the school that they are the right fit for this program. This essay displays a student ready to grow, who has embraced the growth mindset that will guide them to success at college.
April 2022
Boey Lin, Grade 12 - College Application Essay
“Small,” that was it. Allowing myself to append the word “small” in front of my bucket list made it easier for me to accomplish the goals I’d set for myself. It was 2am, New Years, as I put on my slippers, turned on my yellow lamp, and got to work writing next year’s goals. I had put myself in a comfort zone during my first year of high school that I needed to get out of. And a “small bucket list” did not seem as daunting as a “2021 Resolution.” There were three sections in my “small bucket list”:
Growth. When I wrote that I would take myself on a picnic, I thought it would be simple. However, when I got there I had to set up the blankets and the food by myself, painfully conscious of stares from windows or as people walked by. Who cares? Let them watch. I decided to pretend like I was the only one on the hill. I had an amazing view of the sunset around me, hearing the birds chirping and feeling the wind. Two hours later, enjoying the sandwiches and sushi I had made, I realized that spending time with yourself is worthwhile, and right, and breathtaking. I started to love my own company, and accept myself for who I am. Everyone is unique; why whiten your skin and starve yourself to be beautiful in Asia or tan yourself bronze and get plastic surgery to be beautiful in America when you don’t want to be either?
Giving. Once you start loving yourself, you have a reason to give back to the world. When I started handing out tulips, my favorite flowers, people would often wonder if I was giving it to the wrong person. If they were in a group, everyone would glance at each other, asking who had put me up to this. “I’ve always wanted to be given a flower, so this is my way of starting something good.” They all smiled and thanked me. Then they would laugh and crowd together to take a selfie with the tulip or call someone or take a picture of it. They always looked stunned and amazed that this had happened to them. Giving back to people when they need a little help in this world could be more important to them than you realize. It allowed me to be a part of their story.
Creating. “You have two lives, the second one starts when you realize you only have one.” The idea of making a video started after seeing people on Tiktok documenting their towns. It inspired me to create videos about my town and life; it’s all I’ve known for the past 18 years and one day it is going to be just an image in my head. I realized that I was not appreciating the diversity of everything around me. There are a lot of people from all different types of backgrounds living in my town: those who have been here their whole lives and know everyone and recent immigrants who barely know anyone but bring their culture with them. This video was quite simple, I filmed everything around me: the people at my school, at work, the cars going by, the sunsets and everyday life. I wanted to capture everything because the picnic spot where I spent so many sunsets and deepened so many friendships may soon be overshadowed by buildings. I started loving life more, I have realized how beautiful this place is around me.
One small sheet of paper changed the way I look at myself and the world. I realized how a new perspective on “bucket list” can change so much. Valuing life day to day and lived experience makes me realize happiness happens whenever you want it to happen. Too often, we do not see the happiness of everyday life.
Advisor's Comments:
A personal narrative essay used for college application should do a number of things. It should talk about the applicant's character, it should present a story or a number of stories that support this point, and it should be interesting. This essay accomplishes all three goals and is a strong Common App personal narrative. Typically, this kind of personal narrative will focus on a single story and develop the themes (the applicant’s character) through that story. But the essay above does this through a frame story presenting three smaller narratives that each show us a part of who the applicant is. This can be a dangerous approach, since you run the risk of having your essay be to “thin,” where it does not provide the necessary detail to be convincing or interesting. Including multiple stories in the 650-word limit requires an economy of language and efficiency that can be hard to master. But the above student was able to present these ideas in a compelling way. The result is an essay that does a lot in a short amount of time and packs a real emotional punch. Well done!
February 2022
Zhuorong Tang, Grade 11 - Flash Fiction
Walking down the pavement, Benjamin is certain about what he is going to buy—kids’ cereal, which William has eagerly wanted for weeks, especially each time the TV commercial displays the brightly-colored and appealing bowl of cereal and milk, with cartoon rabbits gulping and then giggling contentedly.
It is a mundane summer morning, Benjamin has just left his work. To be honest, for his intelligence, he could’ve been promoted and be sitting in a clean bright office sipping a latté. But until now, he is merely a hospital buffet cashier who gets paid with only wrinkled cash and coins. Of course he doesn’t live such a dreary life of his own volition, but all his time and energy has been devoted to William, who needs much care and love. Everyone else has told him to live his own life and find others to take care of William, but he refused, saying that he wants to spend more time with him when he can.
As Benjamin walks inside the store, packages of kids’ cereal with bright and dazzling cartoon pictures are arranged trimly. He picks up the one with Edward the Elephants, which is William’s favorite TV show. With a glance to the ‘On Sale’ shelf, he notices that there is a box of toy bricks. Benjamin hesitates, weighing whether to save the money for his haircut or not, but he eventually buys the bricks, for the doctor has said that puzzle games are beneficial for William’s brain development and manual ability.
Benjamin hears the toy train chuffing all around the room as he first steps inside the house. It is William’s favorite toy, and he loves watching it run on the track as if he could ride inside and travel to places with ease. Benjamin walks into the kitchen and heats up two bowls of milk. He then pours the cereal in and mixes it up. Pieces of carefree cereal are dancing joyfully inside the swirl, freely and without a care.
After Benjamin sets the table ready, he calls out for William: “Dinner’s ready, Dad.”
Advisor's Comments: This is a fantastic example of a “flash fiction” story. Even shorter than a short story, a piece of clash fiction seeks to tell a full narrative - fleshing out characters, examining their relationships, and developing them - in an extremely short amount of words. This is very difficult, and the student above does it extremely well. A story of this type requires a very efficient economy of language - every sentence should both describe the setting or characters as well as develop the narrative and themes. The story builds to an effective ending using a twist that can be explained in three short words. Although especially important for flash fiction, this kind of economy of language is something worth studying for use in all writing, from research essays to novels.
December 2021
Tingyue Huang, Grade 9 - Personal Narrative
I was born in winter, maybe because of fate, as all of the women in our large family have been born in winter. My parents named me Tingyue, which means treasure. Maybe because of the name, I'm really fragile. My mother often talks about accidents that happened when I was a child. For example, when I was no more than two years old, I got stuck in a crab shell and went to the hospital. Soon after I turned four years old, I broke my forehead and went to the hospital for 3 stitches. Fortunately, I survived.
When I returned to the United States, my focus remained on my studies. There are four generations in our family, and no one has ever been admitted to university. My family members feel like I am the hope of the whole family. I felt that I was not smart enough and had no talent in learning. Therefore, the hope of the family has been an invisible pressure on me. My grades are stable, but far from reaching the level of excellence. My math and science work is always better than language-related subjects, such as history and English. In China, my worst subject was also Chinese. This is very puzzling to me, as it is said that girls are better at liberal arts than they are at science, and I am the exception.
Only one-sixth of my life has passed. I am still a teenager, and there is still a long time, and there are many things waiting for me to explore and experience. I am not afraid of a long life because I know that my future is definitely bright.
Advisor's Comments: One of the recurring essay prompts for college application essays asks the students to talk about their cultural or family background. For many of our students, this means talking about their experience as an immigrant in the US. The above excerpt is a wonderful example of this kind of essay and emblematic of the themes that many of our students write about - feeling different, feeling “weird,” the pressure to perform, and hope for the future. This dichotomy between challenges and hope is framed in the context of her name and the small accidents that befall her. In her writing class, this student has had the chance to begin working with themes that will show up again in her eventual college application essays and refine the way she’ll talk about them in the future!
November 2021
Nicole Hou, Grade 9 - Personal Narrative
“And next we have-” Oh no...that’s me...
“giving an impromptu speech-” I’m not ready?
“for five minutes.” Why am I here again?
From the very start, I was afraid of speaking in front of a crowd. They say that fear of public speaking is second only to the fear of death, and I believed it. I was the standard ‘introvert’ and I always envied the people who could strike up a conversation with strangers. Instead, I holed up inside of my room, like a burrowing owl, and read my favorite books.
Fast forward to our school’s Club Rush. As each and every club advertised why we should take part, lunch period was a whirlwind of flyers being shoved in everyone’s faces. And in that chaos, one club that stood out was Speech and Debate. I was fascinated by their showcase: speakers came up with five minute long speeches on the spot, while debaters engaged in long clashing arguments that stunned the crowd.
Of course, this didn’t mean that I would join...right? After all, I couldn’t even speak in front of more than two people, with the condition that those people were my friends or family! What if I failed? What if I embarrassed myself so much, I wouldn’t want to leave my room for an entire year? But as my parents pointed out, how would I know if I didn’t try? So try I did.
I’d like to say I was a natural at public speaking, but honestly, the first practice was a complete disaster. I was called on to give an improvisational speech on confidence, just the thing I was lacking. After all, I was the least confident person I knew! After stuttering through 2 painful minutes, I finally ended the misery. I was done. I wanted to quit. Why had I signed up for speech and debate? I hated speaking in front of people!
I went home, full of my complaints about that practice, expecting soothing sympathy and understanding that I was quitting. But the second I spilled my miseries, my parents told me to stand up, brush myself off, and go right back out there. Evidently, my initial response was no. Why would I want to purposely embarrass myself again? But as I sulked in the comfort of my room, I wondered…did I really try? If I quit, sure, the introvert inside of me would be relieved. But another part of me, a part that had always been hidden in the recess of my mind, protested. That part told me to give Speech and Debate another chance - what was the worst that could happen?
So I did. I went to every single practice, and from that day on, it didn't matter if I embarrassed myself. I tried my very hardest during every single practice and learned as much as I could. Of course, my speaking skills didn’t automatically professionalize themselves. There were still days where I messed up and made a fool out of myself, but during those times, I had my friends and family to prop me up and push me forward.
After a few months of training, I decided to sign up for a speech competition. As a challenge, I chose impromptu as my category, a type where there's no previous preparation, and you choose a topic on the spot.
“You may choose one: your greatest fear, worst moment in your life, or your greatest regret.”
Well…I think the topic of choice would be obvious, wouldn’t it?
“You may begin.”
“From the very start, I was afraid of speaking in front of a crowd…”
Advisor’s Comments: The personal narrative style of writing is especially important for students applying for college - the vast majority of college essays will be of this type. Its purpose is to display a quality or skill of the writer through the medium of a story or example that is interesting and revelatory. Although this still of writing will be important for their academic future, many students are unfamiliar with it. The story above, from a student in our Advanced High School Reading & Writing class, presents both a student's passion (speech & debate) as well as a quality of the student (perseverance). What this student has done so well is to humanize what might otherwise be a dry recitation of a hobby. By giving us specific, sensory details (direct quotations, specific descriptions) as well as the emotional response of the narrator, we are carried on an emotional journey with the author. The further use of an in medias res opening, which wraps back around to contextualize the initial scene throughout the essay, allows us to fill in our understanding of the author as the story is revealed. These structural choices and the richness of the prose make this essay an entertaining read in addition to emblematic of the author’s character - something absolutely crucial for a good personal narrative, college or otherwise.